I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
