i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Found your dick twin last night
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
