I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
