My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
