i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
