I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
