you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
