All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need to stop coming to work sober
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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