I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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