Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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