did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't turn off my feet"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
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