i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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