I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
