she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
