Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
