You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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