Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I pour the whiskey from now on
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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