You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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