I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
