Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Pooping to opera.
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