I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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