Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
