She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
