dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
