Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
