Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Randomize
