On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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