If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
