My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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