Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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