The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
