I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
