think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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