he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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