Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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