I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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