I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
