I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
