Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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