spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
