Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
