I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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