i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize