but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
