you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
