Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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