he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
