i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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