I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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