Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
