I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize