Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
