why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize