I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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