I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
