I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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